The Man, the Legend, the Myth

George Carlin Jokes

George Carlin quotes are hilarious. Carlin was a New York City-based stand-up comedian, social critic, writer, and actor, best known for his unconventional and vulgar comedy routines. 

He talked about things that could be considered controversial, like politics and politicians, religion, drugs, and the demise of humanity.

He has written many books full of brutally honest sayings and jokes, like "Brain Droppings", "When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?", "Last Words", and more.

Carlin was known for keeping things real, and his funny jokes were sure to get a laugh out of anyone.

In 1972, he was arrested for violating obscenity laws after his infamous comedy sketch, 7 Words You Can Never Say On Television. It even sparked a legal case with the U.S. Supreme Court!

Over time, though, his success grew. Carlin had 14 comedy specials, several published books and CDs, 5 Grammy awards, many TV and movie roles, and the title of being the first-ever host of Saturday Night Live, all under his belt.

He died from heart failure in 2008, survived by his second wife Sally Wade, and his daughter, Kelly.

Below are some famous quotes and jokes by the man, the myth, the legend, the comedian George Carlin :
George Carlin quotes and funny jokes about life and perspective:

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”

“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

“Don’t just teach your children to read…Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity:

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Men are from Earth; women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”

“We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet; we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I’m tired of this shit.”

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

George Carlin quotes and jokes about politics and religion:

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”

“That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”

“He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State… These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“If there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses, and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do, folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain’t going to do any good; you’re just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here… like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.”

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

“Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking; they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.”

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…Dies.”

“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”

“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”

Other George Carlin quotes and jokes:

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

“Scratch any cynic, and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

“Meow means woof in cat.”

“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years.”

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.”

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and smiley shirts…”

“I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”

“I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers, or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality, and integrity.'” Avoid teams at all costs. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.”

George Carlin Stand Up Jokes

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a c**ksucker from Guatemala."

"I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."

"What year did Jesus think it was? The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain."

"Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids"instead of "assteroids"?"

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"

"Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?"

"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

"Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff."

"The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little..."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."

"If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?"

"Get on the plane, get on the plane. I say, FUCK YOU! I'm getting IN the plane! Evel Knievel can get ON the plane. There seems to be less wind in here!"

"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people."

"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"

"In America anyone can become President. That's the problem."

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"

"When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lof worth paying attention to."

"You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is."

"I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them."

"One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you."

"The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder."

George Carlin ("Toledo Window Box")

"Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms."

George Carlin ("Toledo Window Box")

"Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature."

George Carlin ("A Place for My Stuff")

"And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home. I sit there laughing and they go to waste."

George Carlin ("A Place for My Stuff")

"It's a great country, but it's a strange culture. ... This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia; gotta be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all, and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean? This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now, they're thinking about banning toy guns - and they're gonna keep the fucking real ones!"

George Carlin ("What Am I Doing in New Jersey?")

"I look at war a little bit differently. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! OK? Simple thing. That's all it is. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field, waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That's what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. That's what all that adolescent, macho male posturing, and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. It's called "dick fear!" Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! You don't have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy theory at work. It sounds like this: "What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them!" And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's affairs. It's called "fucking with people!" "

George Carlin ("Jammin' in New York")

"That's another complaint of mine - too much use of this prefix "pre". It's all over the language now "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. It's ridiculous! There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in: Heated or unheated! "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! It's like "pre-recorded" "This program was pre-recorded." Well, of course it was pre-recorded! When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? "Pre-existing", "pre-planning", "pre-screening" you know what I tell these people? Pre-suck my genital situation! And they seem to understand what I'm talking about."

George Carlin ("Jammin' in New York")

"Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you?... When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen... 'cause chickens are decent people."

George Carlin ("Back In Town")

"But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase "sanctity of life." You've heard that, "sanctity of life." You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the lamb, vengeance is mine, millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question: "Do you believe in God?" "No." Boom! Dead. "Do you believe in God?" "Yes..." "Do you believe in my God?" "No." Boom! Dead. "My god has a bigger dick than your god!" "

George Carlin ("Back In Town")

"I realized some time ago that I'm not separate from nature just because I have a primate brain - an upper brain - because underneath the primate brain, there's a mammalian brain, and beneath the mammalian brain, there's a reptilian brain; and it's those two lower brains that made the upper brain possible in the first place. Here's the way it works: The primate brain says, "Give peace a chance." The mammalian brain says, "Give peace a chance, but first let's kill this motherfucker." And the reptilian brain says, "Let's just kill the motherfucker, go to the peace rally and get laid."

George Carlin (Complaints and Grievances)

"Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something... Might as well be Steve! And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he's skinny and he can't fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?"

George Carlin ("Life Is Worth Losing")

"I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country."

George Carlin ("Life Is Worth Losing")

"Listen. There are 200 countries in the world now. Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites? Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries? Because you have the most money? Because he likes our National Anthem? Maybe it's because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of Classic Rice-A-Roni! It's delusional thinking! And America is not alone with this sort of delusions. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed. Somebody's wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone? George Carlin (Life Is Worth Losing) Now if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you're at the computer, get on the internet, go to Wikipedia. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in "Japanese Americans 1942" and you'll find out all about your precious fucking rights, Okay? All right. You know about it. In 1942, there were 110,000 Japanese American citizens in good standing, law-abiding people who were thrown into internment camps simply because their parents were born in the wrong country. That's all they did wrong. They had no right to a lawyer, no right to a fair trial, no right to a jury of their peers no right to due process of any kind. The only right they had: "Right this way" into the internment camps! Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government took them away! And rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. You see all, sooner or later. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. It simply does not give a fuck about you! It's interested in its own power. That's the only thing. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible."

George Carlin ("Life Is Worth Losing")
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